he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
