So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
