Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
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