I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
