If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
