it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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