if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
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why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
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it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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