I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
