Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
