I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
