He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
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I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
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He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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