i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
