Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
