His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
