on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
