take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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