Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
