god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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