I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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