Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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