Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
