I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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