I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
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Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
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I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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