Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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