i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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