I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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