No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
