the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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