Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
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We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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