I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
