I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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