I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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