When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
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