my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
