plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
