Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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