Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize