He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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