I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
