When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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