If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
