you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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