Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
