Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
