Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
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I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
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He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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