I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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