she was so not down for the gang bang
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
