it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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