i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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