you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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