i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
