So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I cannot find my penis.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
