There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
When are your genitals available?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
