I have demons in me.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
