This dress was meant to end up on your floor
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
