I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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