I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
