Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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