It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
