Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
