i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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