ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
