I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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