I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
